I knew it couldn’t possibly be easy.
Not with what I’d been through, repeatedly trying to drop it. I’d tried multiple times to “cut back,” but that never worked out. I even tried alternatives to the real thing, sometimes opting for synthetic replacements.
I had no idea, that I was dodging the real problem here. I’d found a cute little workaround, that way I’d never have to admit that I had a problem. Leaving the door open to eternal procrastination. A serious problem.
It’d honestly be easier to just pretend like everything was fine, but the ones closest to my heart were beginning to wonder where my head was. My partner started to worry that I wasn’t doing enough to better myself. He felt that I was complacent, and not trying to improve my personal situation. I couldn’t deny it, nor could I take offense. In short, it was embarrassing.
I’d spend hours on end just trying to kill time. I found it much easier to sit down at the table, than at the desk. Easier to keep chewing than to digest. It was my coping mechanism.
After countless weeks of waking up depressed, I took it upon myself to speak with a therapist. She quickly identified the problem, confirming my suspicions. I needed a better way to cope with my worries, a more sustainable and healthy way.
But it didn’t stop there. Yea, I heard from a professional what I needed to do. It just didn’t quite match up with what I wanted to do. At that time I didn’t know it, but It’d take a few more weeks for me to fully wake up to the world. I wanted to sulk a bit before taking action.
Yea, I was a sulker. I’d sit around beating up on myself because that was the perfect excuse to not actually get started on anything productive. I’d then go into a cycle of being depressed, unmotivated & disappointed in myself. I’d choose to point the finger over taking responsibility & owning it.
About 3 weeks after I spoke with the therapist, I ran into a new problem; money. With the well slowly starting to dry up, I was “coping” more than usual, which in turn made me lose more money. The fire was heating up, with no sign of cooling down anywhere in sight. So I started to question myself, my mindset & my intentions.
Coping was now threatening the integrity of my mental fortitude.
